Millions Like Me
...here's three of them, admiring the Regency architecture in Worthing
Alcoholism. It's a big secret. It's something we don't like to think about, and certainly don't want to talk about—anywhere, really, but absolutely not in the work place. In fact, if we accept alcoholism and its close sibling drug addiction as mental disorders they can be categorised alongside depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia and a whole host of other mental impairments, all of which are taboo subjects in the workplace.
Talking about our own mental illness, or even begining a dialog about mental health at work in general, these are barely-occurring conversations. Mental health (and especially its counterpart: mental dysfunction, disease, collapse, disrepair...) is as far away from most people's experience of the work place as are conversations on faith, or even philosophy, which is also treated with suspicion. So much for Laloux's ideal of wholeness at work! We are a long way away.
So let me take one small step forward.
Many of you know that I was recently hospitalised with periorbital cellulitis, an infection of the face that wiped me out physically and caused serious facial disfigurement. While I was in hospital I was administered morphine six times a day. For a normal person, this would be fine. And they would wean off it in due course. But I'm not a 'normal person'. I have a decades-long history of drug and alcohol dependency. The morphine to me was both my homecoming and my undoing, a false prophet promising warmth and comfort while slowly poisoning me, drawing me towards the darkness.
To be clear, being an addict or alcoholic does not mean one is drinking and taking drugs every day. For me, as for so many fellow (for want of a better word) 'sufferers', life is more characterised by long periods of sobriety and good health. The trouble is the illness/affliction/obsession never goes away, and when not vigilant it can suddenly reappear. Taken unaware, we have little defence and the downward spiral begins again. Hospitalised, weakened by life style choices before even entering the hospital, and now freshly addicted to morphine and codeine, my defence against my inner demons was seriously compromised. It was only a matter of days before I added spirit alcohol to the mix, and I plunged into my illness, falling fast.
Happily, I had retained enough presence of mind to seek help. I checked myself into a detox and rehabilitation center on the south coast, and spent almost four weeks recovering physically, mentally and spiritually, while engaging in intense group therapy with 10-12 other alcoholics and addicts. But don't pity me. This was a life-affirming experience. I got to spend intense time with my kinsfolk, other broken people striving to be well, to be whole, we went deep into each others' personal stories, encouraging one another, sharing hope and spirit. I left there renewed, lifted—and once more cautious.
In all the decades of confronting this illness there have been many more good years than bad, and I have had the pleasure of meeting a great many others who identify as alcoholic or addict—mostly in recovery, but many in various states of illness or relapse. It is rarely a smooth pathway.
If I've learned just one thing over all this time, it is that this illness, perhaps like all mental illness, is a great leveller—it affects people from every walk of life, from homeless beggar to CEO, from invisible nobody to mega-celebrity; it affects people from every culture, every creed, every orientation, and every religion (including those that don't drink!)
In the UK alone it is estimated that one person in thirteen is dependent on alcohol, and one in twenty-six are hooked on all forms of drugs, including the under-reported problem of addiction to prescription drugs. There are around 33,000 alcohol-related deaths every year, and a massive 60% of employers experience problems due to employees' drinking. [WHO, Guardian, BBC, AA] That's a lot of people!
In other words, we are everywhere, all of the time, and there's a very high chance that there's a good many addicts and alcoholics in your place of work. But, being the big secret that it is, you'll never know. Which is a shame. Because maybe you are suffering from this yourself, or are undergoing some other mental, emotional or spiritual crisis, and feel utterly alone. You are not alone. But if you don't dare to speak, you will never know. Each of us will continue to exist in our silent bubbles of self, and the much-needed sense of community will be denied us once again. Why? Because professionalism.
Different readers of this will experience different emotions, from nothing at all, to compassion, love, confusion, judgement, maybe even disgust or fear. Some may feel violated: I did not need to know this! To the latter group, I apologise. Yes, revelation can be violent. I tried to keep this gentle, very personal, non-blaming and non-sympathy-seeking. I did my best, and now I let it go.
February/March News
Well, following my four weeks on the south coast, when I threw Rayna into single-parenthood, life is slowly resuming to some kind of normality. My family and I are adjusting to life in Sheffield, putting down roots: connecting with the local Quaker group, seeking out like-minded families following the unschooling principles, learning the city, and the inner suburbs, with a view to eventually buying a house here. It's one big adventure, and a little tough in this cold, snow-threatening weather.
Workwise, I ran a few workshops in the first half of February, and last week facilitated two more. While I was away good friends hosted the ScrumMaster clinics, and I needed to postpone only three days of work. Somehow it all falls into place. I've got a few more workshops coming up in April and May, which are listed below.
It's been a strange few weeks, but every experience I have in life informs who I am and the work I do. Nothing is accidental, whether it is struggle or celebration, it is all material to be embraced, to be integrated.
Thanks for reading, and enjoy the spring, should it ever come to this grey and pleasant land.
Tobias
31st March 2018, 10.20 pm