Truth and Deception

"And thus I clothe my naked villainy
With odd old ends stol'n out of holy writ;
And seem a saint, when most I play the devil."
— William Shakespeare, Richard III

Life rushes by and it's difficult to keep pace. Sometimes we know what we are looking at; other times it's all a blur, or perhaps even a deception. 2018 has been a messy year for me, more blur than focus, a scribbled confusion of wonder and shame, darkness and light. At times I dwelt softly in my truth, strong in my integrity; other times I hid behind a chemical wall of spiritual destruction, grinning outwardly, dying inwardly, my fragile truth blurring into vagueness and vagaries. September and October were such months. Hence my silence. I cannot write to you when my heart is broken, my soul in shreds. I needed to mend again first.

I was unable to write during those months, and yet I was able to work, to show up, to do what was expected of me. This is where I feel the deception most strongly: I look like me, I act like me, but I am not me; I am a shadow, a facade, a cheap imitation. My humble apologies go out to those I deceived in this way. I do my best, and frequently I fall short. Today, I am in a state of healing again, drawing on the strength and love of people like me—addicts and alcoholics in recovery. All I can offer is to do better next time.

And if I had written none of this, stayed silent and secretive, it is likely few would know. And that's my focus in this month's letter: hidden, and sometimes unidentified or unidentifiable pain. So to get the focus off myself, and onto the world, I'll start with a short story, an extract from the Gospel of Luke.

Looking for an accusation against Jesus, the scribes and Pharisees watched him, whether he would heal on the sabbath day. But he knew their thoughts, and said to the man which had the withered hand, Rise up, and stand forth in the midst. And the man arose and stood forth. Then said Jesus unto the scribes and Pharisees, I will ask you one thing; Is it lawful on the sabbath days to do good, or to do evil? to save life, or to destroy it? And looking round about upon them all, he said unto the man, Stretch forth thy hand. And he did so: and his hand was restored whole as the other. And his accusers were filled with madness; and communed one with another what they might do to Jesus.

There is a rich irony in this story. The man with the obvious physical ailment was healed, but the others, the scribes and Pharisees, seething with anger and resentment, the ones perhaps in greatest need of healing leave the scene unchanged, unhealed.*

Miracles aside, and reading this metaphorically it reminds us how concerned we are with outward appearances, and how quick to remedy what we see as physical defects, but the spiritual, emotional or mental anguish all of us must suffer in one way or another is rarely addressed. Our spirits, our emotions and our mental states are often invisible, and most of us are happy to leave it that way. We prefer to look good on the outside and just hope our inner turmoil is not noticed. What cannot be seen cannot be judged.

When in the midst of my own spiritual dishevelment this is exactly what I hope for: that no one will notice, that I can just get by, do what I need to do, and then hide away again. The thing is, although I may be an oddity in that I write about this, I know I am not an oddity in the experience. I believe we all suffer some degree of lostness, emptiness, fear, confusion, despair, and many, many of us find ways to manage it, to hide it from others, to show up. And perhaps this is all that can be expected. The alternative, to look inward, might just be too overwhelming. Containment then, is preferable.

But staying silent, how then do we heal? Holding ourselves together, how do we let ourselves go? In a state of containment, our wildness, our vulnerability, and even our shame and humiliation become suppressed and oppressed. Sometimes we humans just need destabilising. Perhaps it is in occasionally falling apart that we can be made whole. It is surely true that only when we take off our masks do other people actually see us. And many will love us not just in spite of our brokenness, our bewilderment, our sheer ridiculousness but sometimes even because of it. Look today to those you love best, see how imperfect they are, and recognise how each flaw adds, in your eyes, to their loveliness. And then, look to thyself.

* I am indebted to Pastor Brian Hutton of Hillside Methodist Community Church, Johannesburg, South Africa for this insight.

Related newsletters: December 2017, March 2018

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September, October, November News

Despite all the dysfunction, life continued on its merry way throughout the autumn. We lucked out with Sheffield craftsmen, three of them collectively making our shell of a house into an elegant home with the simple acts of removing, sanding, plastering, painting, finishing, a little remodelling of fireplace spaces and a new bathroom, and all this in our absence, with me traveling and rehabilitating, and Rayna holding our existing home and family together. Our plan of moving in before Christmas was seen to be too rushed, so we'll happily stay put in the center of Sheffield, where we can watch all the festivities and fairs from our kitchen window, and move to our new home in late January/early February in preparation for spring.

November was a time of refiguring and reconceiving, a time of rest and recuperation, a time to move slowly back into the stream of life, reaching out in both new and familiar directions, making and keeping friends, gathering strength, restoring balance.

December arrives tomorrow, and the year will wind down through the madness of Christmas into the lull before the new year. And then off we go all over again. Enjoy your festivities, whatever form they take, or do not take.

Tobias

Recent Writing/Video

Jem D'jelal, Taner Kapucu and I finally re-engaged in our 800lb Agile Gorilla conversations, filming three episodes in early September, and slow-releasing...

I also wrote a blog post—my first since June!—riffing on the second video.

30th November 2018, 6 am